Author’s Note: This piece was born out of the response to Charlie Kirk’s death—an attempt to imagine another way forward.

The way I see it, we’re all trying to do the same thing: get from womb to the grave with the least amount of pain. So, with that goal in mind, what the heck are we going to do? Because what we’re doing now isn’t working for anyone.

We each have a unique upbringing, experiences, education and relationships—we all see life a little differently. And whether we like it or not, we are mixed up, mashed up, spinning and twisting together from morning till night. And when we collide—when I hear you say something that goes against how I want my world to be, what do I do? What do you do?

I know what doesn’t work: Calling you stupid. Calling me your enemy. Blaming each other. Accusing each other. All this does is cause more pain. It solves nothing.

But if I can recognize the good in you (even if I think you’re a jerk) and if you can assume there’s good in me (even if you think I’m delusional), then we can have a conversation. Maybe it sounds like—

• Tell me why this makes you so angry. Let me try to understand.
• Let me tell you why I’m so worried about this. Then you might see where I’m coming from.

And another thing: Before we say, post, text, email or publish anything, can we commit to taking a deep breath and asking:

• Will sharing this encourage conversation or division?
• Do I know for sure if this is true?
• And even if we believe it is true, does sharing it bring us closer to our goal? Not our immediate goal— but our shared primal need: collective survival?

I’m not saying we sit back and let horrible things happen. But if we can choose to make a little space for each other as we slog through the mess, instead of doubling down on being right, we can come closer to building a world where we each can scrape through with a little less pain.